To Violin or Not to Violin?
Written by Helga
Wednesday, 18 May 2011 02:41
I’m a mom with a nine (almost 10!) year old girl and a 7 year old boy. And with that comes lessons & activities.
I put my daughter into soccer like every other stay at home mom in this town in Kindergarten. My daughter likes to go outside and run around, and other mothers had commented on her skill with a soccer ball when we were fooling around at the park. Well OK then! Clearly she was meant for soccer!
Except she wasn’t. She did NOT like those shoes (“too tight!”) or those socks/shin guards (too tight!”) and she did NOT like being told to run here or there after the ball. It was one thing when playing around with friends and she could stop whenever she wanted, it was another when she had to do it. I thought all she needed was more time to ‘make a connection’ with soccer. I would run up and down the fields with her yelling encouragement and direction. So much so that many parents thought I was the assistant coach. True story.
Fast forward to the summer before third grade. I mentioned that I was signing her up for soccer. She looked at me and very honestly said:
“Why do you keep signing me up for soccer? I don’t like it. I never have.”
Why indeed? Why was I forcing soccer on her? Because every other parent signs their kid up for soccer? Because every other kid takes soccer and says they love it, or at least they don’t complain while they are playing. That would have been a step up for me, getting my daughter to the field by 10 am was like pulling teeth! There is nothing that girl looks forward to more than a lazy Saturday morning lounge. Just try getting her pajamas off before noon!
(I won’t lie. I don’t love giving up my comfy Saturday morning either to hit a wet field with a reluctant kid.)
So I gave it up. I didn’t sign her up and that was a relief for all. I didn’t regret that decision a bit. My husband was worried she wouldn’t have some sort of ‘grounding’ activity that we parents like to think will keep our kids off drugs or from getting pregnant in high school. You know, like the PSA’s that encourage getting your child involved so they are so distracted by their involvement they ‘say no to drugs’ and wouldn’t even consider having sex until college. If then.
So to get her involved, we signed her up for the violin at the start of 3rd grade. $20 a month for the instrument, $150 for the school year, one 45 minute lesson a week. That’s doable. She did well that year, and we even kept it up throughout last summer. She practiced and saw a high school student for lessons about six times. Totally worth it! She was so proud to go into 4th grade orchestra ahead of the game. How’s that for involved?
Fourth grade. Different story. The first half of the school year was a battle to get her to practice, and the pieces were starting to get more complicated, needing more attention to detail. I would remind her constantly. And the reminding would escalate into – what else? – yelling.
My story – I grew up in a house where there was no extra money for anything. My divorced mom of four girls made barely enough to pay the bills. In the fifth grade I took advantage of the free instrument program, there were two cellos and three bass up for grabs at no charge, if you qualified. (Being on the school free breakfast & lunch program, I qualified!) I went for the cello, naturally. Walking home from school almost two miles lugging a bass, I don’t think so!
I LOVED that instrument! No one ever had to tell me to practice. I learned notes easily, perfected the pieces, and played so much my mom would send me outside with it. I was second chair in no time. It was a big deal to me. Imagine how crushed I was come 6th grade when I couldn’t continue. The free cellos were for the incoming 5th graders that qualified, and if I wanted to play, I had to pay. No money, no cello. Come junior high when the orchestra would play for the school I would listen in misery, honing in on the cello players. The ones that got to stick with it.
Now I have a daughter with an instrument handed to her on the proverbial plate and she just won’t practice. At all. I have a thing about wasting money (don’t we all? Mine comes from not having any to waste as a kid!) so I finally suggested we go ahead and turn in the violin around the Christmas holidays, put us all out of our misery. She started wailing and howling about how I could not take away the violin from her. Where did that come from? So I laid down the law.
Her choices were: practice on a regular basis, or pay $5 a month towards the cost of rental if you wish to continue. Or give it up.
Now I know what you are saying: empty threat, you would never make her help pay for the violin rental. Oh yes I would. I make my kids pay for things. Lost your fleece at school? $10 please, which I return after you find it. (It is usually on the playground or in the lost & found bin). Lost your new gloves? Either wear last year’s old pair or you must help pay for a new pair. You would be surprised how quickly they find their stuff. And they are so proud to show me, too! Plus they get their money back.
(It is not my responsibility to buy multiples of everything to make them all comfy. I didn’t have gloves as a kid, I used old socks, and I envied any kid that had a pair. I would have kept track of a pair of gloves.)
She agreed to practice more, and that went well until last month. She only picked up the violin when it came time to take it to school & finally had to admit that she just wasn’t interested anymore. I relented as well, saying we will turn it in at the end of the school year. She looked relieved.
I can’t force her to practice and love her instrument. That is counter-productive. What good does it do any of us? Yes we have invested almost two years. Sunk costs, as my husband would say, cannot be factored into the future equation. Well said.
Today she started choir. It’s free. She sings all the time without me telling her to, so there’s half the battle.
She’s involved.
My little boy thinks he may want to take soccer in the fall. Boys second grade soccer meets on the fields at…let me see here…8:30 am Saturday mornings.
Damn, kid! Are you sure you want to play??
5 Comments
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LOL!! HAHA! I love the 8:30am comment at the end! LOL
I am trying to get the boys into karate, its the only thing they want to do, I try not to force them into anything, but I wish they would pick an instrument too!! YEESH!
I agree w/ Lori, fortunate kids take things for granted which is never a good thing, but I too like that you make the kiddies responsible for it. It’s the only way they learn, unfortunately….
xo
We are going through the EXACT same issue over here. My son’s in 4th grade and takes viola (piano too). He hates viola and doesn’t practice. Today he “forgot” his viola at home. I like how you are making your children responsible by imposing a fine and sticking to it. It’s so challenging-when kids are fortunate they seem to take it for granted. Maybe I’ll suggest choir next year
The thing I miss most about being a kid? The freedom to change my mind.
As moms (and consequently grown-ups) each decision we make affects more than just us. Changing our mind can result in a trickle down of consequences and sometimes even a little (or a lot of) chaos.
But when it comes to our kids, we are driven to open doors for them, foster dreams, talents and instill follow- through. The trick is knowing when to push and when to kick back. (Who am I kidding? It’s more than trick, it’s a completely unattainable, intangible goal that we probably won’t master until our great-grandchildren come around, and even then…)
My 3yr old daughter loves to dance. Her face is lit with pure joy when she twirls around the den, singing her own songs, lost in the moment. So when I put her in dance class I thought it would be bliss. Though she follows the teacher and moves in line with the other girls, when the music grabs her, she’ll throw in a twirl when it should be a shoulder shake. Oh geez. She may not choose to continue dance class down the line, but at least she has access to the tools if that’s her dream.
My mom is an accomplished guitar player. Self-taught and amazing. Beyond amazing. When my sisters and I were kids, she tried like heck to teach us. Not interested. Not a single one of us. Free lessons be darned, we joined the choir, we did tap, ballet, sports, academic enrichment- some of these were costly and our coffers were meager. I have no idea how, but she made it happen.
Around her 30th B-day my middle sister picked up the guitar. In less than a year she blew us all away with her talents. Shortly after my youngest sister grabbed the guitar, and was soon plucking jazz chords with awesome ease. Then it was my turn, and the moment I curled my body around that instrument, I knew I was home.
Needless to say, through her prideful gaze we sisters all knew that in many ways our mom wanted to backhand us with a resounding “DUH!” I wonder, if she had made us pay our own way for those now forgotten activities, would we have picked up that free guitar?
I think you know the answer to that, because you’ve managed to temper the desire to give your kids the chance to do anything they dream, with the knowledge that they need to understand how to get there. I’m taking notes mama
Leah (7) liked playing soccer, but I took her out this past season because of costs, and as much as I tried to get Rachael (13) to like band and playing clarinet, she just didn’t want to anymore. So now Rachael is in Art and athletics, and I will likely put Leah back in soccer next season. My little Brooke loves dance and I had her in that but the costs for her classes were prohibitive (plus they were made to dance in leotards in freezing cold weather at holiday faire) so I took her out until I find one less expensive (and less likely to cause pneumonia!).
Thanks for stopping by to comment! I know, lessons & activities get so expensive and my kids many times do not appreciate the fact that they cost money! It is not free, despite what they think!